LIT 344 / COMEDY & SATIRE

An Excerpt from SANTALAND DIARIES
by David Sedaris

          The woman at Macy's asked, "Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?"
          I said, "Full-time elf."
          I have an appointment next Wednesday at noon.
          I am a thirty-three year old many applying for a job as an elf.
          I often see people on the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I tend to avoid leaflets but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. So, if there is a costume involved, I tend not only to accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, "Thank you so much," and thinking, You poor, pathetic son of a bitch. I don't know what you have but I hope I never catch it. This afternoon on Lexington Avenue I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder. Hot dogs, peanuts, video cameras, these things make me sad because they don't fit in on the streets. In a parade, maybe, but not on the streets. I figure that at least as an elf I will have a place; I'll be in Santa's Village with all the other elves. We will reside in a fluffy wonderland surrounded by candy canes and gingerbread shacks. It won't be quite as sad as standing on some street corner dressed as a french fry.

          I am trying to look on the bright side. I arrived in New York three weeks ago with high hopes, hopes that have been challenged. In my imagination I'd go straight from Penn Station to the offices of "One Life to Live," where I would drop off my bags and spruce up before heading off for drinks with Cord Robert and Victoria Buchanon, the show's greatest stars. We'd sit in a plush booth at a tony cocktail lounge where my new celebrity friends would life their frost glasses in my direction and say, "A toast to David Sedaris, the best writer this show has even had!!!"
          I'd say, "You guys, cut it out." It was my plan to act modest.
          People at surrounding tables would stare at us, whispering, "Isn't that...? Isn't that???"
          I might be distracted by their enthusiasm and Victoria Buchanon would lay her hand over mine and tell me that I'd better get used to being the center of attention.
          But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.

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      David Sedaris is a playwright and a regular commentator for National Public Radio. He is also the author of the bestselling Barrel Fever, Naked, Holidays on Ice, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Santaland Diaries from which the above is an excerpt.